Strength

Strength is such a funny thing.  I've always considered myself a strong person.  I was raised by two hard working parents and while I may have been spoiled loved uncontrollably (only child), I've always known that deep down inside of me there is a strength that would carry me through.  But what does strength really mean?  Is it finishing college with a baby?  Is it working hard in a career?  Is it being there when a loved one takes their last breath?  Or, is it going through the deepest pain possible and not just surviving but thriving?

I would have to say that this time a year ago, I was going through the deepest pain I've ever been through.  I was mourning the life I had always dreamed of for my unborn baby.  September 6, 2011 we were told that the baby we had been anxiously awaiting would be born with skeletal dysplasia.  Furthermore, we didn't even know if he would make it.  Pain can be characterized in may ways, but for me, this was the ultimate.  Some people know themselves well enough to know they never want to have children and while I have always really respected these people, I am not one of them.  Not even close.  I was the little girl dragging the baby dolls around since I could walk.  My grandmother has told me that I would sit for hours and "mama" those babies.  I used to dream of the day when my real babies would become just that, real.  So, for someone to say that my sweet baby boy would be born with major complications or even not even make it...well, that's pain.  That is real pain. 

 

The expression, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger", really drove me nuts this time last year.  It was like a ringing in my ears that I just couldn't shake.  I had everyone telling me that everything would be fine and all I could think was, "What do you know?".  None of us are in control.  Life is a ride and we are all just trying to hang on.  Now, some of us get to ride the nice smooth merry-go-round, while others will endure the roller coaster with its' ups and downs but either way it's not important but it does make you wonder.  I, by the way, am learning to love the roller coaster. :)

 With pain, comes healing.  Healing that makes us understand that life goes on and that we can not only survive, but thrive.  A year ago I cried many hours of each day.  I could barely "pull it together" to mother my other two precious boys and most nights were filled with desperate prayers.  It's amazing how small you can feel when you really know that you don't have the slightest bit of control.  Day by day the end of the pregnancy became a reality until one night we were on our way to meet our destiny.  Today, I wish I could go back and comfort that girl inside of me a year ago.  I wish I could go back and show her this...

 I wish she had known deep down inside that those people were right...everything would be fine, life does go on, and maybe even, "What doesn't kill us DOES make us stronger". 

 I will always worry about Reid.  But, I will always worry about Spencer and Briggs, it's how I'm built.  Maybe that little girl worried over those baby dolls many, many years ago. :) For now, I will enjoy running in from work seeing a smiley, happy baby.  I will take pleasure in watching him grow and know that every milestone is a miracle.

 



Strength is a wonderful thing.  I'm almost in awe of how strong people can be.  I never would have thought a few years ago we would be right here, but since we are, I think I'll enjoy the ride.